I’ve been listening to David Vallier’s song Sovereign quite a bit lately. It’s a great song, proclaiming God’s nature and perfect and beautiful and…sovereign it truly is. The chorus itself causes action to take place:
You are sovereign, Lord and I bless You
You are perfect in nature
But I’ve been thinking a lot lately. Maybe too much. My mind has been running through so many “what ifs” and “if onlys” and telling God “if I had one more chance to have a conversation…” Worries have been slipping back in and I have focused more on them than on Jesus.
Yesterday, I realized how lazy I am when it comes to self-discipline. It’s literally like the Holy Spirit comes up with a great idea, tells me and I reply with “Are you serious? That’s a GREAT idea! Let’s do this!” And then I go and do the complete opposite of that great idea. While rolling through this discovery with the Holy Spirit yesterday, I saw that the reason why I’m lazy and jumping back into “if onlys” was because my heart was not fully content and satisfied in Jesus. Owww.
I want to be fully content and satisfied in Jesus and Him alone. I really do. But I know how my brain works and it sees that, the “to be fully content and satisfied in Jesus” as an item on a to-do list; something else to check off, if that makes sense. The more I seek God about it, the more I realized that I may never get to a place where my heart is fully content in Christ and I never have to address it on a daily basis. Right now, I have to remind my heart to seek Him on an hourly basis. Sometimes I have to tell my heart multiple times within an hour. And to be honest, that discourages me because I see it as “my heart doesn’t get it” and I begin to “white knuckle” it and that doesn’t work AT ALL. Perfection can’t and won’t be achieved in this life because humans are not perfect – Jesus is the only perfect human to ever walk on the earth. That brings some peace to my heart and soul, just knowing that this is a process. What I’m going through right now is a part of a long process and the get-stuff-done-and-checked-off-the-list part of me wants this to go quickly; deep down, I know that this will not happen as quickly as I want it to. Sanctification never happens like that. And more and more everyday, I’m becoming more and more okay with that.
In the second verse of the song Sovereign, there’s a couple of lines that made me think this morning about where my heart has been the past few days:
In the valleys and the shadows
You have set a table for me
Though its hard to see, I will follow
I give it to You, I give it to You
That reminder…it helps.