Deep in my being, there’s a place, a room where I tend to keep all my records and results. Almost like a history room. Things that have gone well, things that have gone badly. All of my issues that have been resolved favorably are packed away in tidy little boxes, nice and neat and clean. Everything that hasn’t been resolved just kinda sits haphazardly in the box, if its not scattered on the floor around the box. One side of the room is organized, clean, put together. The other side; not so much. But you can’t see the other side of the room unless you push through the shroud that dangles in the middle of the room. The outward picture of myself tends to be like this room too often. I’ve become comfortable with showing everyone the good, organized parts of me and only allowing some to see shroud that hides the side that isn’t put together and is messy.
The messy side of me wars against the results oriented part of me. I’m very results oriented, not just in my personality, but also because of society and the pressures of the “want it now; have it now” attitude that has been fostered for years. That wars against the patience and long-suffering that the Father is trying to cultivate inside me. If I’m really honest, I like the organized side of the room. It looks better. It seems correct. But the more I see my mess, the more I realized how painful it would be to tear the shroud, the curtain, down from where it hangs.
So I wrestle with a God who wants me to rest with Him, to trust Him. I think it’s funny and slightly ironic that the two themes that He showed me at the beginning of the year are coming back into my main focus during this time. I still don’t know what will come from this time, this wrestling, this pressing of grapes.
“Love be in my bones;
Love shake down my walls”