December 2nd

It was a great day. It was a “get out of town and turn the cell phone off” kind of day. I need this kind of day more often than I will admit. Social media fuels quite a few of my insecurities, to be honest, so disregarding the phone really does help kill that fuel. But yesterday was priceless to me since there are very few people that I open up to and when it happens…it’s a good day. (Especially when it involves steak and Starbucks)

This morning, though, I am painfully aware of my humanness and brokenness. It’s crazy to think that I wasn’t aware of how broken I was before this past year. The best part is being able to see and understand how Christ takes my brokenness and begins to methodically work on me. He doesn’t work on or heal me the way that I expect Him to. Rather, He does what He needs to in me that will bring Him the most glory…no matter how painful it is during the process.

Okay…I know that I’ve talked about the healing process on here before, but that’s the thing: it’s a process. Yes, Jesus could miraculously heal my brokenness but I have come to the place where I’ve realized that He isn’t after only my wholeness. He wants me and is willing to use whatever it takes to draw me in close to Him…even the hard things. I don’t think that God’s unwillingness to miraculously heal me makes Him an angry, irrational, unjust deity…He is there in the midst of my hurt and pain and He also loves to take broken people and let Him shine through them. Does it make sense to me? Not all of the time, especially in middle of my pain and heartache…and that has happened quite a bit over the past few months. But for me to sit here and try to make sense of it all is exhausting. All He ever asked was for me to trust Him.

With all of that said, there’s still more healing to come for me. There’s still more deep rooted idols to be exposed and more “why” questions to be answered. I know some of it may look like coping, but it isn’t. It’s the healing process and it won’t look the same every time. And that’s okay with me. Whatever He wants to use for His glory, then so be it…no matter how painful it is.

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