At this moment, I have been thinking a little more about moving from one season to the next and what exactly does it look like for me. It always looks different, but the feeling of transition within me is the same.
It’s also hard to think that I’ve been fighting God the past few months over this latest transition…but it is true. If I’m honest, I didn’t want it to happen. So I fought against God; denying it, trying not to see what was happening, even telling him that I didn’t want anything to change. Life had been so grand back in June and I wanted to go back to it. Then I started bartering with him; saying that I was done with that old season as soon as January had past or it was done when I had the final say.
Yes. I am prideful and foolish too often.
Then everything came flooding to the surface at 7:30 am on a cold Saturday morning two weeks ago, while I knelt in front of a fire that had just been started by my hands. All the selfless prayers written out, all the words that were never said; it all ended up in the fire.
Then I told God that I was ready to move on.
I was done with fighting him.
I didn’t want June and all of the seemingly good things, which actually led to my downfall, back.
I was done with trying to make a deal.
I knew what I had to do.
It took me three days after that Saturday morning to get back on track. The temptation to turn back to Egypt, to that idol was too great to try and ignore its pull. So I made the decision to kill all but one of my social media accounts.
And to think that all of this rambling comes from the song “Winter In My Heart” by The Avett Brothers. I want to leave this coldness that has been in my heart since August. I’m ready to move on.
Comforting sins are too easy to turn to in your weakness.
And I would rather say “see you later” to those I care about than try to rebuild a bridge that I torched with flame thrower.